I need to get back into the blog of things...

TRVST

What's one thing that comes along with trusting people? ...Disappointment.

Oooo... that hurts. When you trust people, you believe they won't let you down. Disappointment is one of the worst feelings in the world. Your expectations just get blown. Disappointment can take you from being on top of a mountain to the deepest, darkest valley.

But why? How can something or someone else control the way you feel. Like they're a marionette and you're the puppet. But it's not in a manipulative sort of way. I don't want to feel like I'm not in control of my emotions, of myself. That's scary as hell.

I've always had trust issues. I think I know where they come from with my analyzing everything and all. Or maybe what I think is just an excuse. I want that to be the reason that I have trust issues. I'm just blaming my problems on that. Maybe I don't even have trust issues, I just think I do, so I've created a mental block and now I can't trust people. Here I go with that analyzing stuff again. But that's neither here nor there.

When I say disappointment, I don't mean that simple mistake, where you can just say oops, my bad, and be done. No, I mean, disappointing someone's heart. And this crushing feeling comes over you like a massive tidal wave whose only objective is to sweep you out to sea. I hate to disappoint. I don't like feeling like that, so I don't want to be the cause of someone else feeling like that.

When you think about trust in the I trust you wholeheartedly kind of sense, it's a little irrational. Why? Because when you trust someone, you believe that they won't hurt you but give them the power to do so with a tragic outcome. But you can't go through life not trusting anyone. That would lead to absolute paranoia.

This isn't really what I had in mind when I started typing. I started writing this about three months ago, and then I stopped and never picked it back up until now. I don't know why. Whateve, that usually happens anyway. Tuo Ecaep.

Anniversary

Wow. I can't believe a year has gone by already. Thanksgiving is over. I meant to post the night before I left school like last year but... I always mean to do something and it just doesn't happen. I need to work on that. Oh well.... Peace

Treacherous Three

So yeah... two of mi favorite peeps came to visit me this weekend. YAY! The Treacherous Three Reunion Tour. For those of you who didn't get tickets... what a shame. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. You don't know what you missed. Anyway... It was fun, but they are such a distraction. I didn't get any work done this weekend. I had a midterm in French this morning. Don't ask. I have a problem set due in about 5 hours. (It's really hard!) Oh yeah... I was supposed have at least 1000 words of my 3000 word essay written last night. Guess how many I have. And it's due on Wednesday. This all-nighter thing is really getting old. But let me get back to work. Tuo Ecaep!

Blockage

Ummmm yeah..... I think I have productivity block or something. I can't study for more than like thirty minutes to an hour, even with moving to a new subject. So I'll go to something else like drawing, writing, or playing my guitar, and guess what.... that doesn't work either. Not to mention the fact that I get this feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach for doing something I wanna do but not having my work done. Talk about mind games. So usually, I spend my time wasting it: watching the idiot box or clowning around with folks or just lounging. Yeah, lot's of work and creativity happening there.

Oh no! I'm getting symptoms for guilt flu. Better sign off before it overcomes me and I become bed ridden. Out peace.

Crazy

Yeah so I think I'm crazy. Well I know I am but I think I'm making it worse with this school thing. I'm trying to figure it out, but I'm tired of talking about it, but I really haven't talked it out fully with anybody, except in my own head, hence the crazy thing. I have a tendency to get inside my head and stay there for awhile. But even so I haven't fully thought it out yet. I don't want to make any rash decisions. I just need to block out some time and think and talk. But to whom? Oh woe is me.

Art

"I want to draw something that means something to someone. You know, I want to draw blind faith or a fading summer or... just a moment of clarity. It's like when you go and you see a really great band live for the first time, you know, and nobody's saying it but everybody's thinking it-- "We have something to believe in again." I want to draw that feeling. But, I can't. And if I can't be great at it then I don't want to ruin it. It's too important to me."
-Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill

This is like one of my favorite quotes from a t.v. show. Whoever the writers are, they hit the nail dead on the head with this one. So many times I've felt like this. It's this feeling you wanna draw, and if it doesn't come out right then, it's like you don't want to ruin it. I just wanna be able to truly express myself and for someone to feel the emotion I put into my work when they look at it. Maybe to get some insight into how I was feeling at that point. Maybe not even that but for them to just feel that something is going on....

to be continued....