Let It Snow!!!!!!!!

Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!! It's Snowing!!!!!!!!

Numb

I don't know what it is, but a lot of times I feel so detached from what's going on around me, from myself. In order not to be hurt, I boxed up certain emotions and sent them away, and constantly have my guard up. But, as a result, I don't really feel anything. All other emotions have been toned down. How can a person live an expressionless existence? I don't know what caused this. Maybe it was some childhood experience that I've locked away. But I locked it so far away, even I can't reach it. What happened to me? I wonder...Do I really not cry because I think it's a useless waste? Or is that what I just tell myself as a cover up? Maybe I don't cry because I can't anymore. I'm not capable of just breaking down letting loose. Maybe I'm jealous of people who can, and that's why I don't like it. When I do cry are they really tears expressing grief, unhappiness, pain, etc? Or is it that the moisture rolling down my face is fake, stemming from my belief that the moment is appropriate for a teary eyed Wendi.

I sometimes find myself feeling like I'm observing my life. Like I'm not actually me, but a silent observer who can see through my eyes and witness everything that's going on, but never be an active participant. I feel like I'm watching my life story unfold before me, but I'm just dryly reading the story without getting the full sense of it. I don't know, it's hard to explain. Argh. Oh the frustration.

Only a handful of people in my life have had the opportunity to witness a true Wendi smile. And an even smaller group have actually caused one. I thank those people, for without them, I would have nothing to smile about. Constantly, I get crap about not smiling. Wendi, you should smile more. Wendi, why don't you smile? Wendi, what's wrong? Wendi, why are you always mad? Wendi... Please just leave me be. I don't like fake smiles, and I would rather not use them. But hey, give the people what they want. :) Wateve. It takes a lot to make me smile (genuinely), so if you see me straight faced, don't ask, nothing's wrong.

I was never really good at opening up and revealing myself to people. But with the help of a few that are close to me, I see the necessity of it. And slowly I'm beginning to let my guard down. Hopefully, one day I'll be able to really smile, cry, laugh, and vent, and not fake my way through it. I'll actually be me, not watching me but being me.

This really didn't go in the direction I wanted it to, but I'm off to class. Peace.

Goin through a lot...

Life is like a flawed precious gemstone. Although it may have scratches, bumps, discoloration, etc., it is still beautiful. There's always the cliche', you shouldn't take life for granted. T'is true, very true. Family is one of the most important aspects of life, and maintaining healthy relationships with members is key. I feel sorry for those who don't know their family or don't have good relationships with their family.

I'm one of those types of people who feels like they have to carry everyone else's burdens. I don't like to think about my problems or announce them. Other people's problems are monumental compared to my minuscule ones. Why worry other people. When some close to me is hurting, hurt too. I hate to see people I love suffer, especially when they suffer in silence or when I can't do anything to help them.

I cried today. That's big in my book. I never cry, and when I say never, I mean never. I used to view crying not as a sign of weakness, but something close to it. I thought it was pointless. What's the use in crying? What will it solve? I hate to cry, and I hate to see other people cry. It just bothers me. ...I don't know what I think now. But anyway I'm going to sign off before I can't see through the tears. Peace.

Boredom...

Ok! Seven days into 2oo7!? ....So....Wateve. No big.

So...school has started. Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! The agony! Argh! I have nothing further to say. I haven't posted in a while and thought I should. So today I went to IHOP and got stranded at the Potomac Yard shopping center. Not really, but close enough. There was a derailment on the metro. OMG! About ten fire engines raced down the street to the Convention Center (the derailment occurred on the tracks below). I don't know it was this crazy spectacle, sirens wailing, lights illuminating the way to the disaster. Weeeee woooooo weeeee woooooo! lol. The food was great! It took us about two hours to get there because of "major track delays", but it was worth it.

Anyway I'm supremely bored right now. But I'm signing off because I'm all out of words and my hands hurt. Peace out.

Agent 007

O my! Yet another year has passed and I'm still alive. Thank you Jesus! Lately all I have been hearing is excitement for the new year. Usually, I express no such excitement days, even weeks ahead of that fateful countdown. I'm just chillin and like its just another day. But as the minutes draw near I see it's a year has passed, it's a milestone, a marking point in my life. Yeah I think about resolutions days before but I don't really think about the fact that a full year has come and gone with another right behind it until now. One hour before the ball drops. For this past year '06, I think about what...my graduation, my eighteenth birthday, starting college, getting a real job (that might lead to a career), etc. What have I done? Have I fulfilled my resolutions? How would I know, I didn't put them anywhere I could find them again. I feel like I've changed/grown over the past year. Mostly in the past few months. But I still have a long way to go. I guess I'm excited for the new year, a fresh start, new opportunities...new everything I guess, but some stuff still carries over. Man.... It's almost 2007. Well I guess that's cool.

So, to avoid wat happens every other year, I'll put my resolutions here. More permanent than writing them on a sheet of paper and filing it away in my room. So...here goes.
1. Wait...let's change that from resolutions to goals, because I don't think they're one in the same. So...
1. Be able to hold an intelligent conversation in French like I can in English.
2. Be on my way to becoming a better person. By that abstract thought, I mean, be someone who if I met on the street I would befriend, wouldn't be ashamed or anything like that.
3. Umm...get my life in order. Figure out what I want to do with, or be closer than I am now to knowing. Get my spiritual health in order.
4. Get in shape.
5. No meat!
6. Get better with my photography and improve all my artistic capabilities.
7. Do well in school...no scratch that, I don't think it belongs.
7. Do me...whatever that means. Be me I guess, at all times, no use in being fake. Quit with all the nonsensicalness!

Ok this list really didn't turn out like I planned but I guess it's a start. Ah well. Welcome 2007. Peace out 2006, I guess it's you that's signing off now. lol. I know that was corny but wateve.

Oh yeah...Wendi's so cool!

Drawing to a Close

Yeah, it's been awhile but give me a break homie. OK!

So, today's my last day at work...Tear. No not really, I'm kinda tired. Gettin up all hours of the morning time ain't koo when you don't sleep well. But ah well, that's over. Christmas has come and gone...It was a good one. Rather enjoyable if I may say so myself. I like to see unsuspecting smiles of surprise when I give gifts. And that's what I got, makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. lol. But I got some nice gifts. I bought myself a Polo bag, some Top Sider's, and some Diesel boots. I know but they were all on sale so no SA(Shopaholics Anonymous) meeting for me this week. :D

But no I got a nice lens for my camera, 75-300mm, really cool. I feel just like a spy or private eye when I use it. I got a coupla packs of tapes to support my taping of all the random randomness that occurs in my life and turning it into my version of the "Real World," also I got a tripod which I can use with all three of my cameras, it's much more sturdy than the little I already have. It's really gooing to help in my new photography venture which I will talk about when it's developed a little more. Oh yeah, I got a fresh new pair of...dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn...Wallabees. All time favorite shoe. Gotta love Clarks. That's about it. :D

Ok, in the process of changing the subject. So, last night I didn't sleep, so I had a lot of time to think. Yeah, I'm about to go back to school in like four five days. How exciting! Right? Yeah...Wateve. Anyway I just hope I don't start this semester off feeling like a lowlife. But back to the thinking stuff, so I'ma just try and do me, school is second priority right now. I have to find me and step my game up in so many ways, it ain't even funny. I'm ready for the challenge. If school gets in the way, I'll just drop out, I can always drop right back in. Te he he. Wateve. It's not that big a deal. Talk about all that crap later.

I feel kinda long winded...typed. I could go on forever. Not really, but I'll try. Te he he. I'm slowly putting my life into focus. Real slow, slower than a snail's pace, but atleast I'm makin progress. That's what really counts...Right? I like thinking. It makes things so much clearer (sometimes unclearer) I like to analyze my repetitve behaviors and such. Most people are afraid to be honest with themselves, but if I won't do it, who will? Nobody. You gotta keep yourself in check, in perspective, at least I do, or else I'll just be wild and carefree and not in a cute way, in an unhealthy way most likely. That was a pretty long sentence. I knew I shouldn't have skipped English that day.

But I digress. I'ma come back later with my list of resolutions for the new year so it'll be permanent, not a flimsy sheet of paper. Maybe I'll even upload a video of it. (One of my confessionals for the "Real 'Wendi' World" at HU) Long title, I should work on that. Jeese Louise! I should neve miss this many consecutive days again. My mind can't catch up with my over active fingers. But right now I'm talking about nonsensicalness. So I'll pack up my keys and be out. Ummm...12:04. Yeah I'm still at work, I must be bored to do all this random typing. Anyway...Peace out. Signing off.

Oh yeah part of doing me is going back to my Veggie status. Let's see how long I can go this time. Hopefully a lifetime! :D 12:13

Kris Kringle

Christmas is here! Well...right around the corner. It's only 2 days away. I'm so excited. Christmas is my favorite time of year. No matter how bad I'm feeling, the thought of Christmas approaching can always cheer me up. I love to give gifts, to see the smile of the unexpected to spread across the receiver's face. Sadly this year, no one seems to have caught that Christmas bug. I'm tryin my hardest to brighten people's day, but it's so hard. Everybody is going through a lot, me included, but I always find a reason to smile around this time. Oh well gotta sign off...got one more gift to wrap. Ecaep tou!