Let It Snow!!!!!!!!

Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!! It's Snowing!!!!!!!!

Numb

I don't know what it is, but a lot of times I feel so detached from what's going on around me, from myself. In order not to be hurt, I boxed up certain emotions and sent them away, and constantly have my guard up. But, as a result, I don't really feel anything. All other emotions have been toned down. How can a person live an expressionless existence? I don't know what caused this. Maybe it was some childhood experience that I've locked away. But I locked it so far away, even I can't reach it. What happened to me? I wonder...Do I really not cry because I think it's a useless waste? Or is that what I just tell myself as a cover up? Maybe I don't cry because I can't anymore. I'm not capable of just breaking down letting loose. Maybe I'm jealous of people who can, and that's why I don't like it. When I do cry are they really tears expressing grief, unhappiness, pain, etc? Or is it that the moisture rolling down my face is fake, stemming from my belief that the moment is appropriate for a teary eyed Wendi.

I sometimes find myself feeling like I'm observing my life. Like I'm not actually me, but a silent observer who can see through my eyes and witness everything that's going on, but never be an active participant. I feel like I'm watching my life story unfold before me, but I'm just dryly reading the story without getting the full sense of it. I don't know, it's hard to explain. Argh. Oh the frustration.

Only a handful of people in my life have had the opportunity to witness a true Wendi smile. And an even smaller group have actually caused one. I thank those people, for without them, I would have nothing to smile about. Constantly, I get crap about not smiling. Wendi, you should smile more. Wendi, why don't you smile? Wendi, what's wrong? Wendi, why are you always mad? Wendi... Please just leave me be. I don't like fake smiles, and I would rather not use them. But hey, give the people what they want. :) Wateve. It takes a lot to make me smile (genuinely), so if you see me straight faced, don't ask, nothing's wrong.

I was never really good at opening up and revealing myself to people. But with the help of a few that are close to me, I see the necessity of it. And slowly I'm beginning to let my guard down. Hopefully, one day I'll be able to really smile, cry, laugh, and vent, and not fake my way through it. I'll actually be me, not watching me but being me.

This really didn't go in the direction I wanted it to, but I'm off to class. Peace.

Goin through a lot...

Life is like a flawed precious gemstone. Although it may have scratches, bumps, discoloration, etc., it is still beautiful. There's always the cliche', you shouldn't take life for granted. T'is true, very true. Family is one of the most important aspects of life, and maintaining healthy relationships with members is key. I feel sorry for those who don't know their family or don't have good relationships with their family.

I'm one of those types of people who feels like they have to carry everyone else's burdens. I don't like to think about my problems or announce them. Other people's problems are monumental compared to my minuscule ones. Why worry other people. When some close to me is hurting, hurt too. I hate to see people I love suffer, especially when they suffer in silence or when I can't do anything to help them.

I cried today. That's big in my book. I never cry, and when I say never, I mean never. I used to view crying not as a sign of weakness, but something close to it. I thought it was pointless. What's the use in crying? What will it solve? I hate to cry, and I hate to see other people cry. It just bothers me. ...I don't know what I think now. But anyway I'm going to sign off before I can't see through the tears. Peace.

Boredom...

Ok! Seven days into 2oo7!? ....So....Wateve. No big.

So...school has started. Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! The agony! Argh! I have nothing further to say. I haven't posted in a while and thought I should. So today I went to IHOP and got stranded at the Potomac Yard shopping center. Not really, but close enough. There was a derailment on the metro. OMG! About ten fire engines raced down the street to the Convention Center (the derailment occurred on the tracks below). I don't know it was this crazy spectacle, sirens wailing, lights illuminating the way to the disaster. Weeeee woooooo weeeee woooooo! lol. The food was great! It took us about two hours to get there because of "major track delays", but it was worth it.

Anyway I'm supremely bored right now. But I'm signing off because I'm all out of words and my hands hurt. Peace out.