What's one thing that comes along with trusting people? ...Disappointment.
Oooo... that hurts. When you trust people, you believe they won't let you down. Disappointment is one of the worst feelings in the world. Your expectations just get blown. Disappointment can take you from being on top of a mountain to the deepest, darkest valley.
But why? How can something or someone else control the way you feel. Like they're a marionette and you're the puppet. But it's not in a manipulative sort of way. I don't want to feel like I'm not in control of my emotions, of myself. That's scary as hell.
I've always had trust issues. I think I know where they come from with my analyzing everything and all. Or maybe what I think is just an excuse. I want that to be the reason that I have trust issues. I'm just blaming my problems on that. Maybe I don't even have trust issues, I just think I do, so I've created a mental block and now I can't trust people. Here I go with that analyzing stuff again. But that's neither here nor there.
When I say disappointment, I don't mean that simple mistake, where you can just say oops, my bad, and be done. No, I mean, disappointing someone's heart. And this crushing feeling comes over you like a massive tidal wave whose only objective is to sweep you out to sea. I hate to disappoint. I don't like feeling like that, so I don't want to be the cause of someone else feeling like that.
When you think about trust in the I trust you wholeheartedly kind of sense, it's a little irrational. Why? Because when you trust someone, you believe that they won't hurt you but give them the power to do so with a tragic outcome. But you can't go through life not trusting anyone. That would lead to absolute paranoia.
This isn't really what I had in mind when I started typing. I started writing this about three months ago, and then I stopped and never picked it back up until now. I don't know why. Whateve, that usually happens anyway. Tuo Ecaep.
