Chasing Perfection While Standing Still

This is how I feel sometimes, especially when writing. It really plagues me. I want my first attempt to be perfect for some reason, even if it's something trivial or something that only my eyes will see. I know I'm anal, but this is beyond that.

Take my sketchbooks or my journals for example, there is a very particular way that I lay them out, the handwriting must be smooth and flawless because I hate strikethroughs, but I hate white out even more. I always think ahead to when all that's left of me are the things I've written and drawn; I want those things to represent me in a good light, the best light. At least I think that may be the reason behind this craziness.

What's the problem with wanting to be perfect or near-perfect? Nothing really, except that in my desire for perfection, I stifle my production. I get stuck in the planning and brainstorming phases coming up with what I think are wonderful ideas, but never putting pen or colored pencil to paper because I don't want it to come out wrong. This is the main reason why it takes me so long to finish essays for class, post to my blog, or add to my portfolio. I want my first attempt to be perfect so there's lots of self-implied pressure that I have to overcome.

I really hate that I'm like this so I have been trying to let loose and let it flow. To get my papers done, I have to fool myself by typing my rough and final drafts in note-taking software instead of directly into Word. The crazy part is, I like what I write the first time around so there's really no need to change anything, but I wouldn't be able to write that if I had started in Word. I'm crazy. I need to get over this quickly before I have nothing to show for my life. I need to  stop letting my fear of failure halt my progress. Any suggestions?

Peace

Thesis:Complete::Wendi:Alumna

This past year, I have been having a small problem that may become a huge one soon if I don't make a decision soon. So what have I been so indecisive about that may make my world crumble if I don't bite the bullet soon? Only my thesis topic. The only guideline is that it must be a substantial paper of approximately twenty pages that demonstrates engagement with the leading edge of research on its topic. Oh, and I guess something philosophical since that is my major. I have a few ideas running around in my head, so you guys let me know which one you think is best. Ok here goes. Should I write on:

A. Constructing a Black Art World - this would be an attempt to construct a black art world in light of George Dickie's institutional theory of art and W.E.B. DuBois and Alain Locke's work in the arts in the early 20th century.

B. Can There Be a Black Aesthetic? - this would be an attempt to answer the question of is there a such thing as a black aesthetic, and if so, what constitutes it.

C. Authentic Individuality in Society's Sea of Sameness - this would be an existential look at what it means to be a self in society, partly introspective also.

D. Something art, architecture, or design related to possibly use as a writing sample for when I apply to grad school in one of those programs.

So that's the the choices right now. I'm not going to let you know which one I'm leaning towards because that may skew your opinion. BTW...The first two are papers previously written and that just need to be expanded upon and go in to greater detail with defense and refutation. Give me your opinion in the comments. Please and Thank You.

Out Peace

ya know....

I used to blog a lot more than I have been lately. Why have I been absent? No good reason. Some stuff I just write to myself and don't share with the world on here. I have about 10 drafts of unfinished posts that I've started, left, and came back to but couldn't finish because I wasn't in the same mood. That's been happening a lot lately. I have so much going on in my head, but nothings coming out. I can't even write in my journals like I want to. Maybe it's writer's block. Probably not. I just can't seem to put pen to paper or finger to keyboard to get stuff out. Maybe it's because I'm a bum.

(-_-) peaces

This is for those readers who have been upset by my temporary hiatus, not an excuse but...idk

Maybe Not...

Now that I think about it, sometimes my don't care attitude is a bad thing. Like school is kind of like a joke to me since I couldn't care less about it. My grades came back shitty because my attitude was shitty. But it's cool. It's not like I flunked out or anything. I got mostly A's. I guess after all the playing around I did this semester, I was expecting a wake up call when my grades came. Well... I didn't get it, so I'll probably play around next semester too. I'm not happy with this, but I really don't know how to change it. Plus, it seems to work for me. Ah well... idk.

Out Peace.

It's Whatever

I need to get my don't care attitude back. I'm starting to let to much stuff get to me. That's why I been so (sad) lately. Normally, I wouldn't care, just brush it off and keep it moving. I guess I'm getting soft. I used to be invincible. My attitude was my force field, my protection from all this mushy crap. I don't have time for that. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to get it back like it was.

Peace.

TRVST

What's one thing that comes along with trusting people? ...Disappointment.

Oooo... that hurts. When you trust people, you believe they won't let you down. Disappointment is one of the worst feelings in the world. Your expectations just get blown. Disappointment can take you from being on top of a mountain to the deepest, darkest valley.

But why? How can something or someone else control the way you feel. Like they're a marionette and you're the puppet. But it's not in a manipulative sort of way. I don't want to feel like I'm not in control of my emotions, of myself. That's scary as hell.

I've always had trust issues. I think I know where they come from with my analyzing everything and all. Or maybe what I think is just an excuse. I want that to be the reason that I have trust issues. I'm just blaming my problems on that. Maybe I don't even have trust issues, I just think I do, so I've created a mental block and now I can't trust people. Here I go with that analyzing stuff again. But that's neither here nor there.

When I say disappointment, I don't mean that simple mistake, where you can just say oops, my bad, and be done. No, I mean, disappointing someone's heart. And this crushing feeling comes over you like a massive tidal wave whose only objective is to sweep you out to sea. I hate to disappoint. I don't like feeling like that, so I don't want to be the cause of someone else feeling like that.

When you think about trust in the I trust you wholeheartedly kind of sense, it's a little irrational. Why? Because when you trust someone, you believe that they won't hurt you but give them the power to do so with a tragic outcome. But you can't go through life not trusting anyone. That would lead to absolute paranoia.

This isn't really what I had in mind when I started typing. I started writing this about three months ago, and then I stopped and never picked it back up until now. I don't know why. Whateve, that usually happens anyway. Tuo Ecaep.