Forgotten

I'm feeling forgotten and I wonder why...

Maybe Not...

Now that I think about it, sometimes my don't care attitude is a bad thing. Like school is kind of like a joke to me since I couldn't care less about it. My grades came back shitty because my attitude was shitty. But it's cool. It's not like I flunked out or anything. I got mostly A's. I guess after all the playing around I did this semester, I was expecting a wake up call when my grades came. Well... I didn't get it, so I'll probably play around next semester too. I'm not happy with this, but I really don't know how to change it. Plus, it seems to work for me. Ah well... idk.

Out Peace.

It's Whatever

I need to get my don't care attitude back. I'm starting to let to much stuff get to me. That's why I been so (sad) lately. Normally, I wouldn't care, just brush it off and keep it moving. I guess I'm getting soft. I used to be invincible. My attitude was my force field, my protection from all this mushy crap. I don't have time for that. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to get it back like it was.

Peace.

So, He Didn't Actually Steal It....

...He just borrowed it.

Christmas got a little better. Still not quite what I expected it to be. I kinda got more into the spirit as I was wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve. And then on Christmas Night we had a lot of fun playing games. We played Mad Gab and I found out I'm really good at it. Probably cause I don't speak English well, or so people say, and the clues are a bunch of incoherent nonsense. But yeah, I probably had trouble getting in the spirit because I knew I couldn't buy any gifts this year, and that's my favorite part. But other peoples attitudes didn't help either. Maybe next year will make up for this year.

Peace.

P.S. If anybody out there would like to buy me a plane ticket to Atlanta, it would be greatly appreciated! (^_^)

The Grinch Stole My Christmas...

...and I'm mad as hell. It looks like its going to be a crappy Christmas this year. Last year it seemed that way too, but I turned it around. This year, I don't think I'm strong enough to do that. I don't even know if I care enough to do that. My favorite holiday...ruined.

First of all, my mother and I always decorate the tree together. This year she called me while I was at school and she was in the process of getting one of her friends to decorate it. I made her wait until I got home. So when I finally did get home, she was upset that I didn't do it as soon as I got there. I guess I can understand that.... kinda... not really. But she kept saying how much she wanted a pretty tree this year. I guess the only way to have a pretty tree is to have it professionally decorated, which is why she was having her friend do it. But what's the fun in that. A lot of times decorating the tree can put me more in the Christmas spirit if I'm not already there. Not this year. It just made me not want to be here even more.

Plus it's just random bullshit happening all around me that just makes me want to scream. It's SSDD around here. People just don't change, no matter how much you think they have or think they really want to. It gets old really quick.

I'm starting to think I really should have stayed at school. (Nobody was jumping up and down excited to see me anyway except Kooley. I can always count on him.) But then I would have been homeless in the freezing cold. Oh well... that probably would have been better than being here burning.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Probably not. Maybe next year will be a better Christmas. We'll see. But it seems to me that people are beginning to think that they are getting too old for Christmas. I really don't get that. Maybe I won't be spending to many more holidays with the drama loving people.

peace (-_-)

Midnight Train to Georgia

So I'm going home tomorrow... well, today I guess. For some reason I don't really want to go home. I feel like it might be a little hectic at home. Plus I'll be working so I can buy some Christmas gifts. I want to just chill. Matter of fact, I need to just chill. These last few days have been pleasant. It's been me and the Favorite hanging out, and occasionally the Strange One too. The Funny One left a week ago. When I go home, I'll be without my children for almost a month. How sad. We're going to have to do conference calls and maybe schedule a visit. I guess I should be a little bit more excited to be going home seeing as I have peeps to see there also. But I know I will be walking back into a different world of responsibility when I just escaped one a few days ago. I don't even have a full week to relax. But... ah well. That's life. Everything can't be a hundred percent great.

Tuo Ecaep...

I'm Bored...

...Like deathly bored. I have a few more days until I go home and I don't know what to do with myself. We just been chilling trying not to go crazy. Today we decided to play dress-up. It was kinda hilarious. I don't know what to do next. It's not like I can sleep the time away, unless I take one of my sleeping pills... But then, it's no telling when I might wake up.

Ah well. Out peace.

Toe Pick!

So... yesterday I took my children ice skating. They we're mostly inexperienced having never been before. I myself hadn't been ice skating in years. I think the last time I went I was in fourth grade. It was a lot of fun. I think the kiddies enjoyed it. I had so much fun. So... we're going again on Saturday. I'm so excited. Yaaaayyyy!

Peace out. I'm signing off.

By children, don't think I have four babies running around. I'm too young for that.

Almost Over

Finals are kicking my bootay right now. Not really... I'm just procrastinating.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally got my ear pierced.

:(

I think I've lost my sense of humor....

Mission: Failed

So...yeah.... My ear is naked. I went to the mall to the shop to get my ear pierced. When I asked them to do it, they said they didn't do that type of piercing. But when I was there Wednesday, they said they did and that's why I decided to come back. So Ashley, my favorite child, got her ear pierced alone. Awww.... But she took it like a "G".

So we decided to stop at the tattoo shop on our way home. As we approached it, we saw that the lights were on and there were people inside. I started to get happy. So I pulled on the door handle, only to be rejected by a locked door. That sucks. So I'm going tomorrow when I get out of class. Maybe then I'll have something to show.

Things To Do

I have a few portraits to start and finish in about a week and a half. Shouldn't be too hard.

I need to learn flash and website design so I won't have to rely on other people. Or if someone on here wants to teach me... Ya know just go over the basics.

I need to get my life together.

I might need to do some school stuff, but that's relatively unimportant right now.

I need to make my photography portfolio, mount some photos and what not.

I need to make some money.

I wanna learn how to snowboard, but I really don't think that's going to happen this week.

Travel abroad... Travel period sometime soon.

Oh yeah. I need to go to the mall so I can get my ear pierced today.

I think that's about it. Ah well... Peace Out...

I guess I can post pics of mi ear

Artistic Musings

So... I decided that in order to get something done, I should just do it. Whatever I want to do. So I'm putting the school thing on the back burner so I can actually create some artwork which is what I really want to do. So I'm getting started today. Like in a minute. I've been wanting to create my own comic strip and eventually a graphic novel. Also I need to do some portraits and start creating my website. Plus I want to change the look and feel of this bloggy thingy. I have so much to do. Yaaaaaaaaaayyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited. Time to get started, so I'll sign off and come back later. Tuo!

I used so a lot in this post.

Not Quite There Yet

Lately, I've been feeling like I just can't get anything done. I need to finish something. I want to be able to finish something. Just one thing. It's so frustrating. I just want to rip my hair out, but what would that accomplish. I guess I would be getting something done lol. But not really. I don't know what it is that's holding me from crossing the finish line. I finish most of my school work. Well... the important stuff anyway. So, that's not the problem. It's stuff that I want to do that doesn't get done. I only finish my school work because I have to. I guess I'm sort of obligated to doing that because my current occupation is student. The stuff I want to do doesn't get finished not because I don't care about it, but because there's some force that activates when I near the point of completion that says procrastinate or move on or come back later or something like that. And guess what... I never get done. Like right now, my mind is telling me to come back to this post and say something else later because I'm feeling a writer's block coming on. Oh well, I'll post now and then edit if I have something else to say. Otherwise, it would never get done like the fifty other ones I got sitting around in draft form. Eacepay!

I need to get back into the blog of things...

TRVST

What's one thing that comes along with trusting people? ...Disappointment.

Oooo... that hurts. When you trust people, you believe they won't let you down. Disappointment is one of the worst feelings in the world. Your expectations just get blown. Disappointment can take you from being on top of a mountain to the deepest, darkest valley.

But why? How can something or someone else control the way you feel. Like they're a marionette and you're the puppet. But it's not in a manipulative sort of way. I don't want to feel like I'm not in control of my emotions, of myself. That's scary as hell.

I've always had trust issues. I think I know where they come from with my analyzing everything and all. Or maybe what I think is just an excuse. I want that to be the reason that I have trust issues. I'm just blaming my problems on that. Maybe I don't even have trust issues, I just think I do, so I've created a mental block and now I can't trust people. Here I go with that analyzing stuff again. But that's neither here nor there.

When I say disappointment, I don't mean that simple mistake, where you can just say oops, my bad, and be done. No, I mean, disappointing someone's heart. And this crushing feeling comes over you like a massive tidal wave whose only objective is to sweep you out to sea. I hate to disappoint. I don't like feeling like that, so I don't want to be the cause of someone else feeling like that.

When you think about trust in the I trust you wholeheartedly kind of sense, it's a little irrational. Why? Because when you trust someone, you believe that they won't hurt you but give them the power to do so with a tragic outcome. But you can't go through life not trusting anyone. That would lead to absolute paranoia.

This isn't really what I had in mind when I started typing. I started writing this about three months ago, and then I stopped and never picked it back up until now. I don't know why. Whateve, that usually happens anyway. Tuo Ecaep.

Anniversary

Wow. I can't believe a year has gone by already. Thanksgiving is over. I meant to post the night before I left school like last year but... I always mean to do something and it just doesn't happen. I need to work on that. Oh well.... Peace

Treacherous Three

So yeah... two of mi favorite peeps came to visit me this weekend. YAY! The Treacherous Three Reunion Tour. For those of you who didn't get tickets... what a shame. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. You don't know what you missed. Anyway... It was fun, but they are such a distraction. I didn't get any work done this weekend. I had a midterm in French this morning. Don't ask. I have a problem set due in about 5 hours. (It's really hard!) Oh yeah... I was supposed have at least 1000 words of my 3000 word essay written last night. Guess how many I have. And it's due on Wednesday. This all-nighter thing is really getting old. But let me get back to work. Tuo Ecaep!

Blockage

Ummmm yeah..... I think I have productivity block or something. I can't study for more than like thirty minutes to an hour, even with moving to a new subject. So I'll go to something else like drawing, writing, or playing my guitar, and guess what.... that doesn't work either. Not to mention the fact that I get this feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach for doing something I wanna do but not having my work done. Talk about mind games. So usually, I spend my time wasting it: watching the idiot box or clowning around with folks or just lounging. Yeah, lot's of work and creativity happening there.

Oh no! I'm getting symptoms for guilt flu. Better sign off before it overcomes me and I become bed ridden. Out peace.

Crazy

Yeah so I think I'm crazy. Well I know I am but I think I'm making it worse with this school thing. I'm trying to figure it out, but I'm tired of talking about it, but I really haven't talked it out fully with anybody, except in my own head, hence the crazy thing. I have a tendency to get inside my head and stay there for awhile. But even so I haven't fully thought it out yet. I don't want to make any rash decisions. I just need to block out some time and think and talk. But to whom? Oh woe is me.

Art

"I want to draw something that means something to someone. You know, I want to draw blind faith or a fading summer or... just a moment of clarity. It's like when you go and you see a really great band live for the first time, you know, and nobody's saying it but everybody's thinking it-- "We have something to believe in again." I want to draw that feeling. But, I can't. And if I can't be great at it then I don't want to ruin it. It's too important to me."
-Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill

This is like one of my favorite quotes from a t.v. show. Whoever the writers are, they hit the nail dead on the head with this one. So many times I've felt like this. It's this feeling you wanna draw, and if it doesn't come out right then, it's like you don't want to ruin it. I just wanna be able to truly express myself and for someone to feel the emotion I put into my work when they look at it. Maybe to get some insight into how I was feeling at that point. Maybe not even that but for them to just feel that something is going on....

to be continued....

Dazed and Confused

I've been going through a rough period these past couple of months. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do about school. It would be perfect if I could just go to a school and make up my own curriculum. I don't necessarily have to be working towards a degree, I just wanna take classes in things I'm interested in and stuff I think will improve me. I want to take some art classes, philosophy classes, classics classes, photography classes, all kinds of stuff. I think it would be best suited for me to leave the school I'm at and go to a community college or something. Other people don't see it that way, as if I'm above a cc or something. WTF. Seriously, give me a break. I don't mind, I just want to learn. I would like to have this figured out by January. Like thats going to happen. IDK. I'm sure I'll think of something. Peace out for now.

back

Okay... so my puter's really fixed now and I'm back at school with some new developments. I'll fill you in soon and I won't disappear for a whole entire month again.

Cross Your Fingers

I think I fixed my puter.... :D

EvoL?

You know most people want what they can't or don't have. ...And love is no different. Everybody feels the need to be desired, even those who you wouldn't normally think want it. They do. Why? Because it's human nature.

More people are hopeless romantics than you might think. A lot of them don't publicly admit it. Well...I have to admit, I am one of those people. Wait...you may say, the girl who thinks she has no emoition but anger? Yeah, the same girl. I never thought the two were related. I just had ideas of what could or should be. I already admitted to being a walking contradiction.

People want that fairy tale romance, the ones that they see in movies or read about in books. Sigh...I'm one those who thought that I could have something Corey and Topanga. They touched my heart with that story. I guess that's the whole point of a story, to rope you in and make you wish you had that. But is it really obtainable for most people. Sure, there are some real life fairy tale romances out there, but how do you make it happen.

It's like Carrie Bradshaw said, "I want to find that head over heels love." You know that sweep me off my feet, take my breath away kind of love. Sigh...

I think a lot of people find it, but the trouble is holding on to it. People sabotage their own relationships without even thinking about it. Some people nitpick, always looking for something to go wrong and then stuff starts to go wrong. Not a pretty site. Some people don't think they deserve it, and they're insecure in the relationship. People sabotage their own relationships in many ways. (I am by no means innocent in this area. Guilty :( ...) Outside influences can tear you down. But lets not go through all that.

So... how do you hold on to that I can't breathe without you love? IDK. But I hope I'm lucky blessed enough to find that one person and hold on to them. <3

Wendi is out looking for love.

Check-Up

First of all...Happy Father's Day

Second of all...Happy Belated Birthday to myself.

Third of all...My computer is still so.... you know that's the reason for the lack of Wendi J.

Now let's get down to business. The purpose of this post (as the title suggest) is to be a mid-year check-up. No not on my computer's health. Tear. :( But on my goals that I made at the beginning of the year. I'm a year older (in the middle of the year. te he he), but time is running out and I need to check on my progress.

The "hold an intelligent conversation in French"... hmm... I can understand someone talking to me but I'm a little stunted when I respond. I guess I'm searching for the right words in my mind. Still need to improve on that. C

"Be on my way to becoming a better person"... steadily progressing, I love myself (not in a Band-Aid kind of way) but me, myself, and I could all be homies. A++ on that progress. (Not that I didn't not like myself before)

"Get my life in order"... LOL, like thats ever gonna happen. Changed my major and have been considering some career options. I believe I'm making progess. I keep surprising myself. B-.

"Get in shape"... I'm a bum. F. I've been to the gym like twice, but I jump rope a lot...errr... sometimes.

"No Meat!" ....Making it... kinda... I decided to eat fish, one day I won't even be eating that, but it'll be a gradual process. B+

"Improve photography and artistic capabilities"... Hmmm... I have been working on my photography and I'm getting back to my art. I decided to set up a website and sell some of it. But I'll talk about that later days. B

"Do me"... Yeah, I've been doing that to the fullest. I think I surprised some people and pissed others off. Oh well, long as I'm being true to myself. A++ 100%

Mid-terms grades not so hot. (YUCK!) Hmmm... I'll improve. Got to.

Peace.

I'm Back!

Ok. So..I had a few technical difficulties. My computer got really, really sick and had to go the ICU (Intensive Care Unit for those of you who don't know hospital lingo), the internet on the house computer wasn't working, and blogging while you work is frowned upon. The fever's almost gone, there's still a cough here and there, but we're operational again. I'll keep you posted (<- LOL Nice pun) with my posts. :D

Peace Out.

Sign Off.

End Transmital.

CLEAR!!!!

Wasting Away

DNWP-Does Not Work to Potential. I've never gotten that comment, but I'm beginning to think I should have. I came into this world a very blessed person. I've frequently been told that I have many talents. I am not writing this in any way to brag on myself, but I consider myself intelligent, naturally athletic (I played basketball, baseball, volleyball, ran track, and swam), and artistic, basically just innately gifted. But what exactly am I doing with these gifts?

I've never really struggled in school. Most subjects come easy to me. I can read about a concept and understand it, or I can listen to a teacher lecture and understand it. Usually, I can be introduced to information once and recall it later for a test without having to "study hard," I just gets filed away. I've said this to many people, including teachers and a reporter, "I'm not as smart as most people think I am, I just have a good memory." Most people don't believe me, I don't know what I believe. I don't want to just rely on my memory, I want to optimize my intelligence. I guess I can start with cracking open a book and actually studying.

Sports were the same way, they came easy to me. I enjoy basketball, track, and swimming the most. I played volleyball and softball cause my dad suggested it, not because I really wanted to. I've played on a lot of basketball teams, I stopped playing organized ball in 8th grade. I played softball for one year and stopped, I played club volleyball for one year and stopped, and I ran track for one year and stopped. I seriously regret not running track anymore, the other two not so much. I stopped training for swimming after my accident really. I still leisurely play basketball, run, and swim though. But the point I'm trying to make is, when I think about that, I feel like a quitter. Granted I finished the seasons out before I stopped, but I still stopped. My excuse was teams aren't my thing. I'm not really sure I believe that. I'm not saying I was the best player on the teams and they were holding back my potential. I wasn't bad either. I was good, could've been great at somethings. What a waste.

Art is the same way, it came naturally. And now my talent is at a standstill. Why? Because I never really tried to develop it, because it didn't seem like I had to. I tell people all the time, "I'm not as good an artist as you think I am." I just have an eye. I have good hand/eye coordination and can replicate details pretty nicely. I probably shouldn't talk bad about myself, so I'll think I'll stop saying that. Anyway, that's going to change I'm working to improve my craft everyday now. You know the saying, "If you don't use it, you'll lose it." Well, I don't want to lose it. Art is my heart and I wanna practice it for the rest of my life. God has blessed me with these abilities, I want to find a way to do something with all of them and finally WFP- Work to my FULL POTENTIAL!

Signing off now...this has been quite the motivator today. 12:48 CST

P.S. The thing about teams not being my thing, complete fabrication. I enjoyed being on the Scholar's Bowl and Hi-Q teams. Ahh well....

Lackadaisical

You Know... early in the school year, I kept saying I felt like a low-life. It was a bad feeling, and I couldn't deal with. My thought process was all off towards the middle of first semester. I no longer wanted to be in school. I felt like I was wasting my time on someone else's dollar. Thinking about it like that just made me feel worse. One, I don't like wasting my time. Two, I don't like messing with other people's money. I think these feelings followed from my senior year in high school, a severe case of senioritis. I just stopped caring, work and class didn't concern me. I kept telling myself to stop being like that because I didn't want those feelings to follow me to college. And that's exactly what happened.

But its more than that. Its not just that I didn't care because I did. I wasn't doing what I needed to do, and that made me feel like I had peaked in high school. I had a lot to live up to. I had to ultimately reach myself, the standards I set. I did pretty well for myself in high school, I had decent grades without having to try very hard, I was pretty active, and I graduated as salutatorian.

I guess it was just an adjustment going to college. I'd never learned how to study and in high school, I primarily relied upon my excellent memory. I guess thats a handicap. For midterm reports, my teachers should have all had the comment DNWP (Does Not Work to Potential). Why? Because I wasn't, and I knew I wasn't, hence the lackadaisical feelings. But now I begin to wonder, do I ever work to my potential?

We'll save that for a later post. Out Peace. I'm signing off. 11:34 CST

P.S. I'm back into the blog of things.

Melancholy

I'm frustrated.... Once again... mi life is out of focus. ...sigh...

School's Out, Ring the Bell, Drop Your Books and Run Like....

So... I've been home since Tuesday. Enjoying myself. School is over. I made it through my first year as a college student. Well, congratulations Wendi J. This is one of those milestones people talk about. Will I be going back? I believe so, ask me again at the end of the summer. How did I do? Pretty good, but I'll let you know when I get my grades, then I can really reflect. Until then, PEACE!

It's May Already...

I'm slippin on my pimpin. Twice in April, we need to work on this.

P.S. I'll be home in 6 days! Yaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

Peace

P-Units

Over the years I've realized that I am very fortunate, very blessed in the parental unit department. First of all, I have both parental unit #1 and parental unit #2 in my life, in the same household. Most kids don't havge that. Secondly, I know my parents love me unconditionally. No matter what, I know they love me whether or not I'm the perfect angel or slipping up. But that's not what this is about.

I have a great relationship with my parents. We connect in a way that most kids and parents don't. We see eye to eye on most issues and even when we don't, I know they always have my best interests at heart.

My mom and I are very close. We are like sisters, especially since I've always wanted a sister. Some people think this is a bad thing; the line between parent and child is blurred or I'm just a "mama's baby," always hanging under my mother. But that's not the case either way. She sees the young lady I am becoming and respects the decisions I make, never treating me like a baby or trying to hinder me from growing. On the other hand, I know she is my mother and will always respect that role first. The fun that we have together, the inside jokes, the craziness, I know that it's all just extra. If we weren't this way she would still be my mother and that needs to be respected.

Nonetheless, we koo. lol. I have no problem being seen in public with my mom, whereas a lot of kids don't want to be seen anywhere near the same vicinity as their parents, devising schemes so they won't have to be. We get along great and she knows everything about me. Everything. Sure, we have our disagreements, but we never let them tear us apart. We always look at the bigger picture. I can't imagine growing up without this relationship with my momsy. I don't see how other people do it. If/when I have kids, I will have that kind of relationship with them.

On the other hand, me and my pops have a totally different relationship. No, he's not my brother (I got enough of those), he's my pops. We koo. For a while, I thought my dad and I didn't have a good relationship, only because it was different from me and moms. But now I see that's not the case, it's still good, just different. No, we don't joke around, act crazy, or shop together, but we still have an undeniable bond. When I talk to my dad, I get to step outside of myself and see the whole picture or see myself in a different light. He has this insight without even knowing the exact details that my mom has. I'm thankful for that.

He's a cool dude. I have two great parents in my life, so yeah, I'm very blessed!

Tuo Ecaep.

Welcome Back

Whew...it's been a whole month.

Yeah... so it's been a while. Sorry to disappoint all my loyal readers. This one goes out to my numbero uno. No, this post won't be some deep philosophical discussion. No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth. No, this won't be some anger induced rant. I'll keep it short and sweet. Why I've been missing? Hmmm...that's a good question.

But you know what, I don't have an answer. I've been slightly busier than usual, but it shouldn't keep me away from blogging. I enjoy blogging, even though I never thought of myself as a writer. Blogging has become a part of me. A significant part at that. I don't blog as often as I would like to, and this past couple of weeks has been horrible. Everyday I've been like, I really want to write, I really need to write. It's crazy.

So what's been keeping me? This folks... I do not know. I really have no clue. I can't analyze my way through this one. But ah well, I'll probably figure it out in a few days/weeks. Bye for now. I'll be back soon. No more extended, unannounced bloggernappings. Te he he. Out peace!

Stranded....Just About

So....I was flying home for spring break today. Been looking forward to this trip for awhile now. I've practically been counting down since I booked my flight a couple of weeks ago. I had everything planned. Pack two days before, order my cab two days before to come pick me up at 4:30 am, you know get everything together. Well, I did all that with only a few hiccups. First, I ordered my cab online and put in my house phone number, and ordered it for a day early. How silly of me. Well, I found out Morgan was leaving for the airport around the same time, so we decided to share the cab and leave 30 minutes earlier, a nice time cushion. Got that all straightened out and I was packed on Thursday night.

But today, O today. Grrr.... Well let me take a step back. Weather patterns started to change on Thursday so I decided to check the weather for my flight. A little snow was forecasted, nothing major. I expected slight delays. Well fastforward to Friday evening, FREEZING RAIN or SLEET or HAIL, whatever its called and a little snow. I check the status of my flight all night. Great news its still on and its leaving on time. Whoopee!

Now back to today. Get to the airport at a decent hour, 4:19 to be exact. Wait for the baggage counter to open, I'm second in line. First guy gets bad news. Now Wendi J. O no! Dry cry. My flight is overbooked because of the cancellations last night. Okay, I can deal with that, but what I can't deal with is the fact that I can't leave out until tomorrow morning from Dulles. It's cool though, I've been wanting to see the TWA terminal at Dulles for forever. It's designed by my one of my favorite architects, Eero Saarinen. So that's cool.

But one more thing, I spent all my cash on the cab ride over here. So no cab ride back, hence the stranded. The metro doesnt open until like 7. I really don't wanna sit around here that long, but if I have to. So Traver volunteered Drew and they should be here. O look that's them calling.

P.S. Wendi J. got home, back to the Annex safely. They arrived promptly at 5:20 a.m. Now she's chilling in her bed. Peace.

My View

I feel I must apologize, because everytime I get on here (well maybe not everytime) I rant and rave or something. I just wanna say that I'm just expressing my views and by no means expect people to drop their beliefs and conform to mine. I don't like the feeling of having someone else push their views and beliefs on me. So, I'm trying to avoid that here.

I'm pro-choice for everything (not really talking about abortion here). I think in an ideal world people really would be free to govern themselves and make choices accordingly. Of course there would be some sort of system in place to punish those who make bad decisions and some sort of group in place to enforce those punishments. But there should be no rulings that interfere with personal choices. In this ideal world people are free to make their choices, and as they are free to make their decisions, they should be free from the unwarranted input of others. If my choice does not directly affect you, then you have no input.

Okay now to a related tangent. I believe people have the right to make whatever choice they want to make. Furthermore, I have no right to judge them, their actions, or their decisions. I am not perfect, therefore, my actions and decisions are not perfect. I can expect no more from other people than I can give myself. I can't hold someone to a higher standard than I currently reach. So as far as passing judgments, that's out of the question. I don't want anyone judging me so I shouldn't judge them. (Yeah I realize I just talked in a circle).

Also, as far as moral decisions... Everybody sins so you really can't tell someone that what they're doing or how they're living is incorrect. You can't call someone else out on their sins unless you're sin free. Hello! You're not. "He that is without sin, let him first cast the stone..." Basically, don't pass judgment or you'll be slightly hypocritical. We all have to suffer the consequences for our actions, you for yours and me for mine. Get yourself right before you try to set someone else straight. While you're trying to set them straight, you're running out of time to live right. I'm not saying don't help people, just don't be the pot calling the kettle black. Lol.

On a more serious note, I'm signing off. That's all for now.

Major Decisions Part II

Today I started thinking... On Thursday, I went to the College of Arts & Sciences and filed the necessary paperwork to change my major to Philosophy. So now I'm officially (unofficially) a Philosophy major, French minor in the College of Arts & Sciences at Howard University. Wow that's a mouthful. Well anyway.. I was thinking today that I really made a big decision. I mean really. I keep talking about this and I feel like I'm making a big deal out of it. But I mean come on... It is a big deal, isn't it? This is going to affect the rest of my life.

...Back to the thinking thing. I was just sitting today and started thinking about why I made the decision in the first place. You know me, got to analyze, re-analyze, and over-analyze everything. So I sat...and thought... Why? I love architecture. Am I running scared? I jumped into this major headfirst with more knowledge than most about what I was getting into. Archi-torture is a running joke among many professionals in the field. You gotta love it to be able to handle the torture. I love it, then why would I leave it?

Who knows... I don't think I'm running scared. And if I was it be something deeper, so much deeper. Because in all actuality, I should be more scared now that my future is filled with so much uncertainty. With architecture, I had a major, a career, a life... a plan. Now... I don't have (excuse my language) shit. I have no plan, I don't even know what I'm going to do with this degree.

Philosophy is so practical, especially now that I don't know what exactly I want to do with my life. The skills I would pick up learning about philosophy are so necessary for life in general; argumentation, articulation, critical thinking, logical processes, etc. I could go on forever. But I still need to think about what I want to do with my life, even if I don't settle on one think. I need to know what my options are.

:D

Smile. U make me smile. Yeah you. Cheese.

Grrrr....

U know...I used to be one angry person. I used to justify that by labeling myself an unhappy child. I don't know what that did. I'm a stubborn person. I recognize my faults. But when I'm upset, I turn into a beast. My way or the highway baby. Everybody's wrong. When I'd get angry, I was like f*** this, f*** that, just f*** the world, and forget u too while I'm at it. Don't talk to me cause I don't wanna hear what u gotta say. The simplest, silliest, most trivial things used to upset me, like I was looking for a reason to be pissed. It's crazy like this demonic spirit would consume me and dictate my actions, thoughts, everything. Now that I look back, most of the stuff that drove a wedge between me and anybody was stupid. One simple thing. I let my frustrations build up and every single, occurrence fed into my anger. The monster that I became said what she wanted, did what she wanted, hit who she wanted, and dared somebody to say something to her or look at her the wrong way. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't like that person. It takes way too much energy to constantly be in a state of madness. I'm learning to control my anger and let the little stuff slide. I still let my frustrations build up and I erupt, but not nearly as violently as I used to...I hope.

Well these are my confessions. I'm signing off. Peace.

Stepford

Has anyone else noticed the stepfordization (if that's a word) of people? I don't know what's the appeal of trends and fads and such. Why does everyone want to look like everyone else. Well... not everybody, but a lot of people blindly follow trends and faithfully believe in them. What the deal yo? Is something in the water? Why is it that, I can walk out my door and can't tell the difference between two people? I never got into trends, I always wanted my individuality. Not to say that I purposely went against trends to prove a point, that's just rebellious.

Mostly what I'm talking about here is clothing choice. I like some of the stuff that comes out, and I'll buy what I like. But what I don't support is getting something because it's supposedly the "new hottness." I feel like a lot of people dress a certain way because fashion magazines, prices, and other outside influences tell them so. I mean why else would their style of dress change so drastically so often. I understand an evolving wardrobe, but some stuff is just ridiculous. I've asked a few people why they dress the way they do, and I get some meaningless responses. "I just do." "Because..." "I like it. Don't you?" (Uh no not really) Their response to me. "You're weird." (Yeah ok. I'm the weird one, but you think it's ok to look like you just got spit off an assembly line.)

It's an epidemic! People, look through your closets and really evaluate your wardrobe. Do you really like everything? If you truly do, that's great. More power to you. But if you don't, then you need to reevaluate your lifestyle and not be a mindless slave to the world of fashion. Peace.

...

cogito, ergo sum

-Rene' Descartes

State of the World

Does anyone else see that the world, wait I can't speak for the world, but America is in a state of turmoil? The media is brainwashing people, sucking their lives right out of them. America has turned into a culture, and I'm taking this from my brother, of "spoon-fed" infants. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but this needs to be said.

People base their lives on images and ideas that they come across in everyday life. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, not the maker of a universal standard of beauty. There is no universal standard of beauty. I REPEAT, THERE IS NO UNIVERSAL STANDARD OF BEAUTY. I really don't believe in changing yourself for other people. The idea of unnecessary plastic surgery loses me. I'm all for self-improvement if its really what you want and you're not basing your decision of the influence of others. God made everyone how they should be, and you shouldn't go purposefully messing up God's work. I'll admit, I once fell under the influence of others and their beauty standard. But now I know I'm perfect just the way I am. (In no way was that meant to sound conceited.) Following any standard but your own is basically setting yourself up for failure. If someone who "loves" you acts you to physically change yourself i.e. breast augmentation, nose job, liposuction, etc. Do they really love you if they can't take you as you are? And don't say those are imperfections, because they're only imperfection if they stray from that flawed non-existent universal standard of beauty.

Materialistic- concerned with material wealth and possessions at the expense of spiritual or intellectual values. What is the point? The obsession with name brands is ridiculous. I'll admit that at one point brand names mattered but not as much as it does to a lot of people. I mean who isn't at first, it's bred into you, well it is for most people. With me it was more of a casual preference. My mother bought me certain clothes and when I had to purchase my own clothes I just followed her lead. I couldn't afford it, but that was all I knew. I've never been one to follow clothing trends nor one to be very flashy. Now brand names mean nothing to me, I only have a preference for the way certain clothes fit. Certain brands fit better than others and that's the only influence on my choice. Not the cost of it. I don't buy stuff just because its expensive. But in a more general since, does having the most expensive car, clothes, jewelry, house, etc. make you happy? It shouldn't. Acquiring these material possessions won't make life greater or grander. If you're not happy with what you have, then you won't truly be happy with what you get. You'll just think well I don't have enough and try to get more. Life will turn into a vicious cycle. NO happiness there.

Anyway...on to consumerism- consuming material goods in excess of basic needs. Much related to materialism. Everywhere there is an advertisement for everything. Product pushing. Jeese Louise! It's ridiculous. The American public is preoccupied with the ideals and values of consumerism. America has an egocentric, mass-produced, consumer based society. Greed, greed, greed. More, more, more. Empty money hungry souls buy television time to thrust empty products and ideas into the homes of American citizens. No cessation. Whoever controls the products people consume, essentially controls the American public. Am I saying that the American public is a bunch of mindless people leading meaningless, consumer-driven lives? By golly she's got it. That's exactly what I'm saying! I'll just let that marinate.

Is this really all there is to life?

I don't think so, but we'll save that discussion for another time. Enough ranting for now, but I'll touch back on this tomorrow maybe. My hands are tired. Signing off. Peace Out.

Meditations on Life

My world...my world is changing. My priorities are getting in line and I'm growing up, making decisions that affect the rest of my life and its style. Who do I want to be? I want to be Wendi J., successful woman who inspires others. I want to be that starving artist, maybe not in the literal since of the word "starving" but in a figurative since. In the way that I'm dedicated to my craft and people can see the dedication coming through my pores. Getting a "proper" job is not my destiny, hence the decision I've come to. So mostly, I want to do what I love while inspiring others to get up and do the same. Forget what society dictates to us about what we have to do, what we have to look like, how we have to act, and who we have to be. Do you and forget everyone else. I'm an individual, everybody is an individual. However, not everyone embraces their uniqueness as I do. I know I'm weird and I love it, because I know who I am and no one dictates my life. A lot of people don't accept who they are or acknowledge what they really want to do. I feel sorry for them.

Where will I be in ten years? I no longer know. I used to have this extravagant outline for my life planned to a "T." But I realized there's no room for spontaneity and a lot of room for missed opportunity. As a result, I've decided to let things be and live day to day. "No Day But Today" right. lol. Real words to live by. I don't want my life to be filled with regrets. I'm quoting RENT here, "Forget regret or life is yours to miss." Jonathan Larson hit that nail dead on its head. I think instead of planning every waking moment of my life, I will develop timely goals to guide me. But if I need to stray off the well worn path, I will. Wait a minute, I'm already off the well worn path. But if I need to pull out my machete and cut my own path through the underbrush, I will. I want to be excited for my life, so I will take on ventures and develop a career that allows that.

How do I want to live? I want to live my life for me. Point Blank.

Haha. I wanna learn so much. If it really was an option, I would be a professional student. But since its not, I'll be an amateur student if you understand that. I'll still be a student for the rest of my life, just not in an institutional sense. I'll just acquire knowledge and use the textbooks of everyday life, learning something from every person I meet. I don't understand people who don't have a thirst for knowledge, who don't want to broaden their horizons. What's up with that. Knowledge only improves your quality of life. There's no harm in that. I think that's why I'm so attracted to philosophy. I mean it's the love of wisdom. There's nothing that can beat that.

I don't want to conclude this, but I must. Peace out. I'm signing off.

Major Decisions

So... I've finally decided to go through with changing my major. I'm going to change it to... dun dunna duuuuuunnnnn! Philosophy with a double minor in French & Photography. Doesn't that sound exciting. I'm going to still keep my interest in architecture. I'll take a few classes in that because I really do enjoy, just not as my major. I've decided to create my own educational and career path. I'm combining all my interest into one to make my mark on the world. I'll probably become something along the lines of an architectural photographer. Or maybe I'll do that as a hobby, become a trophy wife, and let my husband support me. LOL! Probably not. I still have a lot of thinking to do about it, but I'm feeling really swell about my decision. Well until next time, Peace Out! :D

Let It Snow!!!!!!!!

Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!! It's Snowing!!!!!!!!

Numb

I don't know what it is, but a lot of times I feel so detached from what's going on around me, from myself. In order not to be hurt, I boxed up certain emotions and sent them away, and constantly have my guard up. But, as a result, I don't really feel anything. All other emotions have been toned down. How can a person live an expressionless existence? I don't know what caused this. Maybe it was some childhood experience that I've locked away. But I locked it so far away, even I can't reach it. What happened to me? I wonder...Do I really not cry because I think it's a useless waste? Or is that what I just tell myself as a cover up? Maybe I don't cry because I can't anymore. I'm not capable of just breaking down letting loose. Maybe I'm jealous of people who can, and that's why I don't like it. When I do cry are they really tears expressing grief, unhappiness, pain, etc? Or is it that the moisture rolling down my face is fake, stemming from my belief that the moment is appropriate for a teary eyed Wendi.

I sometimes find myself feeling like I'm observing my life. Like I'm not actually me, but a silent observer who can see through my eyes and witness everything that's going on, but never be an active participant. I feel like I'm watching my life story unfold before me, but I'm just dryly reading the story without getting the full sense of it. I don't know, it's hard to explain. Argh. Oh the frustration.

Only a handful of people in my life have had the opportunity to witness a true Wendi smile. And an even smaller group have actually caused one. I thank those people, for without them, I would have nothing to smile about. Constantly, I get crap about not smiling. Wendi, you should smile more. Wendi, why don't you smile? Wendi, what's wrong? Wendi, why are you always mad? Wendi... Please just leave me be. I don't like fake smiles, and I would rather not use them. But hey, give the people what they want. :) Wateve. It takes a lot to make me smile (genuinely), so if you see me straight faced, don't ask, nothing's wrong.

I was never really good at opening up and revealing myself to people. But with the help of a few that are close to me, I see the necessity of it. And slowly I'm beginning to let my guard down. Hopefully, one day I'll be able to really smile, cry, laugh, and vent, and not fake my way through it. I'll actually be me, not watching me but being me.

This really didn't go in the direction I wanted it to, but I'm off to class. Peace.

Goin through a lot...

Life is like a flawed precious gemstone. Although it may have scratches, bumps, discoloration, etc., it is still beautiful. There's always the cliche', you shouldn't take life for granted. T'is true, very true. Family is one of the most important aspects of life, and maintaining healthy relationships with members is key. I feel sorry for those who don't know their family or don't have good relationships with their family.

I'm one of those types of people who feels like they have to carry everyone else's burdens. I don't like to think about my problems or announce them. Other people's problems are monumental compared to my minuscule ones. Why worry other people. When some close to me is hurting, hurt too. I hate to see people I love suffer, especially when they suffer in silence or when I can't do anything to help them.

I cried today. That's big in my book. I never cry, and when I say never, I mean never. I used to view crying not as a sign of weakness, but something close to it. I thought it was pointless. What's the use in crying? What will it solve? I hate to cry, and I hate to see other people cry. It just bothers me. ...I don't know what I think now. But anyway I'm going to sign off before I can't see through the tears. Peace.

Boredom...

Ok! Seven days into 2oo7!? ....So....Wateve. No big.

So...school has started. Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! The agony! Argh! I have nothing further to say. I haven't posted in a while and thought I should. So today I went to IHOP and got stranded at the Potomac Yard shopping center. Not really, but close enough. There was a derailment on the metro. OMG! About ten fire engines raced down the street to the Convention Center (the derailment occurred on the tracks below). I don't know it was this crazy spectacle, sirens wailing, lights illuminating the way to the disaster. Weeeee woooooo weeeee woooooo! lol. The food was great! It took us about two hours to get there because of "major track delays", but it was worth it.

Anyway I'm supremely bored right now. But I'm signing off because I'm all out of words and my hands hurt. Peace out.