Numb

I don't know what it is, but a lot of times I feel so detached from what's going on around me, from myself. In order not to be hurt, I boxed up certain emotions and sent them away, and constantly have my guard up. But, as a result, I don't really feel anything. All other emotions have been toned down. How can a person live an expressionless existence? I don't know what caused this. Maybe it was some childhood experience that I've locked away. But I locked it so far away, even I can't reach it. What happened to me? I wonder...Do I really not cry because I think it's a useless waste? Or is that what I just tell myself as a cover up? Maybe I don't cry because I can't anymore. I'm not capable of just breaking down letting loose. Maybe I'm jealous of people who can, and that's why I don't like it. When I do cry are they really tears expressing grief, unhappiness, pain, etc? Or is it that the moisture rolling down my face is fake, stemming from my belief that the moment is appropriate for a teary eyed Wendi.

I sometimes find myself feeling like I'm observing my life. Like I'm not actually me, but a silent observer who can see through my eyes and witness everything that's going on, but never be an active participant. I feel like I'm watching my life story unfold before me, but I'm just dryly reading the story without getting the full sense of it. I don't know, it's hard to explain. Argh. Oh the frustration.

Only a handful of people in my life have had the opportunity to witness a true Wendi smile. And an even smaller group have actually caused one. I thank those people, for without them, I would have nothing to smile about. Constantly, I get crap about not smiling. Wendi, you should smile more. Wendi, why don't you smile? Wendi, what's wrong? Wendi, why are you always mad? Wendi... Please just leave me be. I don't like fake smiles, and I would rather not use them. But hey, give the people what they want. :) Wateve. It takes a lot to make me smile (genuinely), so if you see me straight faced, don't ask, nothing's wrong.

I was never really good at opening up and revealing myself to people. But with the help of a few that are close to me, I see the necessity of it. And slowly I'm beginning to let my guard down. Hopefully, one day I'll be able to really smile, cry, laugh, and vent, and not fake my way through it. I'll actually be me, not watching me but being me.

This really didn't go in the direction I wanted it to, but I'm off to class. Peace.