This is how I feel sometimes, especially when writing. It really plagues me. I want my first attempt to be perfect for some reason, even if it's something trivial or something that only my eyes will see. I know I'm anal, but this is beyond that.
Take my sketchbooks or my journals for example, there is a very particular way that I lay them out, the handwriting must be smooth and flawless because I hate strikethroughs, but I hate white out even more. I always think ahead to when all that's left of me are the things I've written and drawn; I want those things to represent me in a good light, the best light. At least I think that may be the reason behind this craziness.
What's the problem with wanting to be perfect or near-perfect? Nothing really, except that in my desire for perfection, I stifle my production. I get stuck in the planning and brainstorming phases coming up with what I think are wonderful ideas, but never putting pen or colored pencil to paper because I don't want it to come out wrong. This is the main reason why it takes me so long to finish essays for class, post to my blog, or add to my portfolio. I want my first attempt to be perfect so there's lots of self-implied pressure that I have to overcome.
I really hate that I'm like this so I have been trying to let loose and let it flow. To get my papers done, I have to fool myself by typing my rough and final drafts in note-taking software instead of directly into Word. The crazy part is, I like what I write the first time around so there's really no need to change anything, but I wouldn't be able to write that if I had started in Word. I'm crazy. I need to get over this quickly before I have nothing to show for my life. I need to stop letting my fear of failure halt my progress. Any suggestions?
Peace
Everybody has visions and dreams of what they want to be and how they want their life to go when they grow up. There is a mere one hundred one days separating me from what's going on now and my being spat out into the real world after I graduate. My grown up time is rapidly approaching; this is what I want to make come true:
I want to live a nomadic lifestyle. I don't want to be tied to one particular place in one particular country; I want to travel and see the world. That is one reason why I would like to buy an RV and live in it full time. For the time being I have labeled it my tour bus. I can drive and park and see the entire continent. Or I could park and fly to another. I realize that this type of lifestyle comes with its own set of pros and cons versus a more traditional route; however, in my opinion the pros outweigh cons, plus traditional is boring in this case.
What are the benefits of this lifestyle?
Freedom - I can pick up and go whenever I want. I won't have to worry about paying rent while traveling extensively overseas. My worldly possessions will travel with me or be stored; so when I move to a new place I won't have to worry about packing and unpacking all the unnecessary junk that I've accumulated. (Yes, that means I will have to downsize a lot, but I am willing to part with most of this stuff anyway, except my technology, Oh please don't take that away, I would absolutely die! Just trying to be dramatic.)
Experience - Living like this will give me some amazing life experiences that otherwise, I might not encounter. It will push my out of my comfort zone. I'm typically an introverted person unless you know me. However, in living this lifestyle that would need to change as I will alone be in different locales all the time so better become excellent at making fast friends. How many people can say they have friends on all seven continents. One day I will. Not to say that I'm going to forget the friends I already have, I actually hope they will be able to join me on some of my adventures. I want to catch the Cherry Blossoms in Japan, surf off the coast of New South Wales, float in a hot air balloon across France, snowboard in the Alps, pedal a bike in Copenhagen, smoke a hookah in Egypt and Morocco, go topless on a Brazilian beach, party at Carnivals across the Caribbean, do cocaine in Columbia (jk), and so much more. I know many of these things sound cliche and touristy but that doesn't stop me from wanting to have the experience. Also, I not only want to do these things but also fully immerse myself in the cultures, picking up the language, participating in local customs, eating local foods (might be hard since I'm such a picky eater). I want to feel like my permanent address is where I am at the moment.
Independence - Traveling extensively around the country and the world will put me out the reach of my familial base. I can call them but they won't be a fifteen minute drive away and able to just pop up when I need them. I will have to rely on myself and my own wits which I like to do anyway. Most people who know me know I don't like depending on other people. So I guess this will be that to the extreme. No problem dude.
Art - Who wouldn't be inspired to produce beauty in all the different locales that I'll eventually go to. For each place I know I'll want to have at least one completed major work, whether it be a painting, drawing, photo essay, animation, short film, etc. The inspiration will be infinite, and if I ever get stuck I can pick up and travel somewhere else. Plus thing of all the artists I'll meet from everywhere. Can we see awesome collaborations in the future? I know I can. I can't wait.
This is the life I'm working towards after graduation. Any stop between now and my dreams is just a stepping stone. So if you meet me in the future and I've been in the same place for the past few years, it doesn't mean that I've given up on my dreams; I'm probably just saving up for my next adventure or saving to start my adventure.
